Lunes, Oktubre 5, 2015

God is writing my love story

Once upon a time, we were once friends.

We grow together as members of youth ministry in the church. I saw him as an older brother (I even call him Kuya until now) and he is a not so friendly guy who talks with few words and despite it, I wanted to make friends with him.

I started liking him when I was a student and from thereon I prayed for him. Hahaha! Yes, I prayed for him for three years. I asked the Lord to reserve him for me. Then, I felt like something is wrong with my prayer because I was already assuming that he is going to be my future partner. Somewhat if questions popped up. 'What if he is liking someone?  what if he suddenly get into relationship?' I'm just assuming that he likes me.

So I stopped praying and asked God to remove those feelings away if it's not from Him. But despite that desire of not liking and staying away from Kuya Jo, it caused me to like him more. More of his absence is equals to more of longing to be with him. I managed to control those emotions for four years (college years) because I know that my priority was to study and grow deeper in the Lord.

I tried to give up, but the heart was so eager. I let my guard down. Then, I learned that he was actually liking someone and he told me about her. I was torn. I was hurt. I was assuming. Despite it, I remained his friend that was hiding in jealousy and sadness. I told myself that I will never again pray for a specific person to be my partner.

I stopped praying for him. I changed my prayer into, "Lord remove my feelings for him." and I felt like nothing changed, I still like him. I was so stubborn. I was about to graduate from college and I was struggling. Should I tell or not? And why should I tell him? What is my reason for confessing? What's next? If I tell him, will I like him less and will it disappear? Is this the right time? I don't want him to like me just because I like him. I don't want that.

I sought for answers. My final self-assessment was these:

I feel burdened about how I feel towards him and I wanted to release it.
My motives were clear that I just want to be free from those emotions and no, I don't want him to court me because I think it won't be sincere. There's no "what's next" because I wanted to start afresh to the next chapter of my life (career). I will tell him so I can move forward to the next level of waiting which is 'I will wait for no one but God. I need God to lead me and lead that man to me.'

It was March 2014, the moment of truth. I confessed to him. He was flattered. He told me clearly that I should never expect something in return. Nothing will change (that's what I thought) and days gone by I was seeing things differently. I was confused. His actions led me to assume that he likes me too. I was waiting for the answer or a confirmation. I see and heard nothing. Months later, he grows colder and it was as if we lost our friendship. I felt like I was just a co-leader, a church mate and a stranger. I cut my hair short as a reminder that I lose someone important.

Because of that I wrote him a blog, apart from the letters I wrote about him during my 'praying season'. I expressed my thoughts and feelings as if I was really talking to him. March 2015, I came back to my senses. I told myself that this madness was enough. I had enough and I am willing to accept my defeat. I raised the white flag and asked God to take over my heart and our friendship. All I wanted was a complete restoration of friendship and good old days. So that was it. I surrendered.

After two months, I prayed once more and ask God to help me to completely move forward by blessing Kuya Jo. If he wanted to court someone, he's free to do it and I'm okay with that. I'd like to tell him that I'll be his friend and a co-leader in the ministry no matter what.

God allowed us to once again talk about it. I was brave enough to open it once again. I said what I need to tell him and he was surprised because I still liked him and yet I'm willing to let go of him. He stayed away because he doesn't want to feed my feelings and eventually expected that it will fade, but it did not happen. I thought it would be a goodbye for us, but it was just the beginning. The following days he bargained and I refused. We prayed and our conversation progressed to 'this is not helping the both of us.'

'I am not lifting any effort, Lord. Not even a finger. I will let you work on this.' That's what I said to God. Then, Kuya Jo changed. Well, it was a sudden change and it made me think if he was sincere or not. Was he courting me? I dare to ask him again, but he was silent. The succeeding days became more confusing. He was sending me home, waiting for me after work (which is very late by the way) and we were spending more time with each other. I thought it was all normal because I just wanted our relationship as friends to be restored.

Then, weeks later he asked me come with him. He wanted to come somewhere peaceful. His suggestions of places were really terrible and not even peaceful, so I offered Touch of Glory Prayer Mountain. We planned our visit and went there Friday night, after work.

It was a cold peaceful night. 

It was my first time to visit at night time and it was magical. The peace was surreal.

We sat and talked on this bench. First, we discussed our ministries and then he started sharing about his life. It was something I did not know about him yet. That night, I wanted nothing but to be his friend. And then, he cleared his throat. He seemed so happy, excited and can't express himself well. He began to utter words that were very unexpected. I even ask myself if it was real.

I considered the place my hiding place. It was a special place for Jesus and me. I can't believe that the man I prayed and cherished for a long time was expressing his love for me. Under the vast starry night, he clearly stated his intentions. I can't look at him and it was as if I was frozen. I was stunned by the grace of God. I can't comprehend the greatness of my God. I wanted to cry, but the joy was overwhelming me. I can't explain it well, Prayer works! Hehehe. God really knows the desire of my heart and He made it perfect in His timing. My love story was not the way I pictured it. I thought it was just merely waiting. God also wanted me to be formed according to his will and purpose. He corrected my ways, my heart, and mind. I was not in control, but He is. He wanted me to surrender so He could have his way. Surely, He knows the best for me. He was also at work towards Kuya Jo's life. God deals with the both of us first before he allowed this relationship to happen.

With peace in my heart I said, yes!

"We love because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

Happy 100 days, dearest Joshua. :)

2 komento:

  1. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give all the desires of your heart..
    Happy Ate here.. :) God bless you both!

  2. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give all the desires of your heart..
    Happy Ate here.. :) God bless you both!