Linggo, Hunyo 11, 2017

I'm not going to marry just yet

I'm not marrying anyone at this point of time. I do have a boyfriend and I pray that we are heading towards marriage, but not too soon, not now.

Is it because I'm unsure of him? No. Surely, he has been everything I wanted to grow old with for the rest of my entire life.

Is it because we're not financially capable yet? No. We are capable. But we wanted better lives for each other instead of settling down for what we currently have.

Is it because we're immature? No. As we progress, God brings out the maturity we need for each season. He has his battles and I have mine. We draw strength in the Lord. He forms our character, we grow in maturity and more so when we settle down.

Is it because we're not ready yet? No. This relationship prepares us for lifetime commitment. When I said yes to my boyfriend, I also said yes to God- to love this person unconditionally and to love him the way Jesus loves me. It's not an easy thing to do, but it makes us ready to accept each other for who we are. Set aside the romantic vibes, for everyday is a decision to be committed in this relationship no matter what.

Is it because of the time? Yes. It's not yet the time. In due time, I believe that God would give his signal when to settle down. This season is the best time to serve God fully, to be all out and to maximize both our season for His glory. We don't want to get ahead of ourselves. There are more tasks to do and we don't want to miss it.

What made me write about this? It's because one of our young people at church ask us both, "ate, kuya minsan ko lang kayo makita magkasama tas di pa kayo magkatabi"

The boyfriend replied, "we're not the typical type of couple..."

I would agree. We're not the typical type of romantic boyfriend and girlfriend who says sweet words at each other. We're not the 24/7  calling, texting and seeing each other. We're not going out of days like most couples do, we seldom do it. We're not public display of affection type, to be honest, we haven't even kissed yet. (Seriously? Yes, seriously) We're just guarding ourselves. I believe it's worth saving and it has its perfect season to be clingy and to be physically attached. (Extreme? Yes u can call that, but if it honors God, why not- right?)

I realize that we're kinda unique. Our ways of expressing love and concern to one another is not as the same as everyone. As a woman, I battled against comparison of the why's and the what if's of being in relationship. I dream of having someone who is clingy and sweet but that's not actually what I needed
 When I gave God the pen to write my lobe story, I did not expect it to be like this. It's not sweet, nor bitter. It's pretty much the reality of loving someone the way Jesus loves me- without condition. I learned my boyfriend's way of expressing his love language. Truly, we are completely opposite yet we compliment each other.

I am not a perfect partner. I have short comings and failures but I thank God for sustaining me. This is a cord of three. God is in the middle. At most times I would rant to God about my relationship and how I struggle but the more I pray, the more God showed me his unrelenting love. I did not expect to discover that in such a manner.

God design marriage, he is the author of it. God created woman to be man's suitable helper. Jesus commanded the woman to submit to his husband and the man to love his wife just as Christ love the Church.

I gave a word to my boyfriend in our current season. It is "right now, do what we ought to do for the glory of God,  we have the rest of our lives to be together."

I pray that God would sustain our relationship. Less drama and more of Him. Less of ourselves and more of God.

Biyernes, Hunyo 9, 2017

I love you at your darkest

I'm a victim of self-inflicted pain. I overthink. I hurt myself with thoughts that are not actually true. I press on lies back and forth in my heart and mind. I kept playing it like a music. It made me sad, angry, dissatisfied, longing, bitter, jealous and hurt. I was lamenting at remnants of my previous joy and victory. 'This is not the place where I wanted to be.' I said to myself.

In my dark days at my most unlovable state, I remember Christ. How did he manage to love someone like me? How did he manage to die for someone like me and allow me to live in the light of his glory? Do I deserve this? Certainly not, yet he reached out and pursued me even if I tore his hearts many times with my foolish ways, unfaithfulness and stubborn heart.

I thought, maybe I'm a modern Israelite. The Lord is on my lips but far from my heart. I followed the stubborn ways of my heart. For many times, I forgot the LORD my God and ran after many idols that I thought could surpass Him. I was so foolish.

In my dark days at my most lost state, I remember Christ. How did he manage to run after me and save me from the pit of destruction and death? He reminded me of the victory finished on the cross. He is sovereign over sin. He is the Almighty God and no one is above him. He is the Alpha and Omega, my beginning and end. Jesus is my hope. Jesus is my 'go, get up, and live'. Jesus is my chance. Jesus is serious about saving me, many times.

And I thought, wow. I know there's more that my Jesus has in store for me. My friends should know Him too. My brothers should experience Him too. People around me should taste and see what the Lord has done.

I mean, as I receive and continuously experiencing His goodness, grace, compassion, forgiveness, unconditional and unrelenting love, I wanted to be that channel. FOR A LONG TIME NOW, I THIS IS WHEN I'M GOING TO SAY THIS AGAIN- I WANTED TO BE LIKE JESUS. I WANT TO LOVE, LIKE HIM. I WANTED TO BE LIKE HIM. I WANTED PEOPLE TO EXPERIENCE WHAT THE INTIMACY WITH HIM. I WANT TO WITNESS HEALING AND RESTORATION.